Pain

Its not pain when you can talk about it, write about it, sing about it or even cry about it. Pain is when you keep it inside, no matter what happens.

Maaya

She opened the door with a forced smile. Her swollen, red eyes revealed how hard it was for her to smile.

When he didn’t see Maaya in college and when the calls and messages went unanswered even though she was online,  he rushed to her home as soon as the classes were over to find out what’s happening.

He rode his bike in anger and pain. He was really mad at her for not picking his calls or texting him back. He couldn’t accept being ignored. He wanted an explanation from her and wanted her to know how much he missed her and how ignored he felt. His heart pounded as he entered the gate and pressed the calling bell.

Maaya’s appearance itself made him calm. Her eyes said it all. She was in some trouble, would have been crying all day or fighting with someone. Both of them sat on her couch. “What happened?” he asked her. “Severe headache from the morning”. She was a very bad liar. But he didn’t want to pester her with more questions. Her tears always made him weak and he knew he could stand anything but her tears. “College was fine today…wanted to know what happened to you. So just came along”. He tried to smile and appear normal while telling her. “ Achan and amma?” he asked. “They went to my sister’s house early morning. Will be back tomorrow” she said. He went to the kitchen and understood that no one had entered it and nothing was cooked. She didn’t eat anything all day.

He sat near her and told her. “Don’t be so sad”.

“No I am fine, Its just my head..” she didn’t complete the sentence.

Silence filled the room. Maaya grabbed his hands and held them tight. He just caressed her hands. Both of them looked down. Tears welled up in their eyes. “ Whatever I have to tell you will make you sad” She said. Even though he heard it, he just continued caressing her hands silently because he remembered that he had failed in all his efforts in handling such situations in the recent past. Most of such situations usually ended up in a fight between them.

“ I’ll go get some food for you”  he said as he got up from the couch. She smiled at him still holding his hand.

As he closed the door behind him and came out he couldn’t hold his tears. He started his bike and went to coffee day and ordered some snacks and drinks.

As we waited he was lost in thoughts.  Only if he could understand her whenever  she was down and needed her own space…and that he was not the only person in her life and that she had to devote time to her parents, friends etc.  If he could believe her completely when she told him that she cared a lot about him and that he’s the most important person in her life. If he could avoid all the unwanted fights that happenned mainly because he missed her or he felt ignored. If he could really do all these in past few months then she wouldn’t be sitting alone at home and torturing herself.

Even after all those fights, she tried her best to be with him. And, though the magic in the relation was gone she did her best to make him comfortable.

She used to share everything with him- her happiness, anger, regrets, pain and all otherwise silly things which were important to her. She had always wanted him to give her his full attention, to be possessive about her.  She used to enjoy it.  But the same possessiveness and unexpected reactions from him created a gulf between them.

“Sir, your order is ready”. The Waiters voice woke him from his thoughts. The red and black theme of coffee day seemed hazy. He wiped his eyes and took the packet from the waiter. “ Have a nice day sir” she said. “ It’s going to be nice again” he gave her the best smile he could give.

It was Maaya’s mercy that kept their relation alive. She deserved happiness. As he rode back to her house he made up his mind and decided that he would give her his best and help her to be herself.  He told  himself, “ I cannot change the past or make her believe that I will never fight again, but I can change. If I managed to stay calm today I can be calm in all such situations. I can again be the man she once loved so madly and she may feel the change in some days, months or years. I will wait because I need her as herself”.

Back at her house he found her waiting for him at the door. She had changed from her night dress to his favourite green salwar. And, most importantly, she was wearing her best smile.

What day is Friday?

“What day is Friday?” That was the clearest sentence I heard at the crowded Calicut railway station on that rainy Sunday. I turned back to see a small boy clinging on to a man’s shirt even though he was in a woman’s arms. I started watching them and I could make out that the kid’s father was leaving for Ernakulum and will be back on Friday and this scene happens on all Sundays.

My thoughts started flying back and it stopped at the backyard of a house where an old man with snow white hair and 4 year old boy with curly hair was feeding a cow.

It was me, with my grandfather. My father had just dropped me at my grandpa’s place and left a while before. “Don’t cry, daddy will come on Friday and take you back home”, grandpa tried to console me but I started asking “What day is Friday?” .He could only laugh at it.

Sundays were painful for me for years. I went to kindergarten from my grandparents’ house and I was with my parents only on weekends. I and my dad would willfully miss the M.N.V.S bus which goes directly to my grandparents house because dad knew that I liked to go in an auto rickshaw to S.M Street first, buy some toys and then to grandpas house again in an auto rickshaw. My loving grandparents, uncles, aunties, and my sweet cousin sister treated me like a prince but Sunday nights I never slept peacefully. Even now my uncles tell me that all through the week I use to ask them “what day is Friday”.

Years later when I got my first job at Salem the painful Sundays started again. It was tough to leave my home, my friends and my love at Calicut and go to Salem on Sundays. The sound of the ‘City Travels’ bus still wakes me up some nights. The trips to Salem continued for almost three years. After marriage I was lucky to be in Calicut for 7 years.  Then came the Chennai trips and the painful trips continued for another 3 years

The whistle of the train brought me back to the railway station. Train started moving and I jumped in. The little boy was all tears as he waved to his daddy. I could feel wetness in my eyes. I thought about the five year old little girl at my home who also doesn’t want me to go to Trivandrum on Sundays. My painful Sundays still continues. It’s worst nowadays. Along with all that I always had to leave back, there is a little heart that misses me silently. What day is Friday, Why can’t it be tomorrow? I couldn’t stop asking myself.

Ability to forget

I never thought I will meet him again. Actually I never wanted to meet him. But today when I met him accidentally, after 9 years, it was very emotional. He just jumped on me and hugged me tightly

I still remember his helpless face when I dragged him out of the sea. He was repeatedly saying only one thing till we reached the hospital. “Of all the things I could do for her she wanted only one thing for her to be happy. ..go away from her, forget her”. I was really confused whether I was helping this young boy or not. I understood that I failed his attempt to escape from the pain and helplessness he was going through. As soon as his parents came I left the hospital.

Even though that was the only time we have met, we could identify ourselves at the first sight after this long 9 years. Same place where I first met him, Sea was roaring. He was hugging me tightly. Hi, How are you? I asked him. He released me from his tight hug and said “You have done the best for my parents. But I couldn’t enjoy the life you gave me. I am not blessed with the ability to forget.”

I couldn’t tell him anything. Sometimes life takes a full circle and brings us back to similar situations which we have faced before.